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Science Joke: 1
What do a meteorologist in a snowstorm and a woman's sex life have in common?

They're both concerned with how many inches and how long it will last.


Science Joke: 2
Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization...

Simply send 6 x 10^50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your star system at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other star systems. Within one-tenth of a galactic rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!


Science Joke: 3
Dihydrogen Monoxide: The Invisible Killer Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide!

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawl means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

1. is also know as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain 2. contributes to the "greenhouse effect" 3. may cause severe burns 4. contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape 5. accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals 6. may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes 7. has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients

CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars in property damage in the Midwest, and recently California.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

- as an industrial solvent and coolant - in nuclear power plants - in the production of styrofoam - as a fire retardant - in many forms of cruel animal research - in the distribution of pesticides; even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical - as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED!

The American government has refused to ban the production and distribution chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of this nation". In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

IT'S NOT TOO LATE!

Act NOW to prevent further contamination!


Science Joke: 4
Are You About to Employ a Robot? This test was written by ME, Roger Carasso, for the UCB Psychology Department. It is intended to be used by companies that are recruiting on campus. With this test you can determine whether an applicant you are interviewing is a Robot, a Vulcan/Math MAjor, or a Liberal Arts major.

Tear off here, and administer test below to students

Answer Questions by circling the appropriate subjective choice.

1. If stranded on a deserted island, I would want _____ 0) Shakespeare 1) Math books 2) Fluid oil

2. If I could have any job, I would be a _____ 0) writer 1) professor 2) McDonald's employee

3. On weekends, I go to _____ 0) The beach 1) The library 2) goto 10

4. My favorite hobby is _____ 0) Poetry 1) Open math problems 2) memorizing

5. I have taken ______ English classes. 0) Many 1) Enough to communicate 2) fori=1to++x10goto10

6. What is the quickest way to solve 2X+4=2? 0) Ask a Vulcan 1) In my head 2) Brute force with Cray 2 Supercomputer

7. What have you learned in school that you value the most? 0) Latin 1) How to operate my HP-28C 2) Complex Analysis

8. In between classes, I like to _____ 0) Talk with my friends 1) Study proofs 2) Add numbers on my calculator

9. When I have a report due, I type it on_____ 0) My manual typewriter 1) The school's word processor 2) My calculator and then upload it to a PC at 50 baud

10. Since coming to the University, I have gained many _____ 0) Friends 1) Books 2) Calculator manuals

11. The best use of a computer is _____ 0) A door stop 1) Graphing functions 2) Friends

12. When I go to a restaurant, I usually get _____ 0) A hamburger 1) A twinkie 2) Thrown out

13. What part of speech is "interface"? 0) A noun 1) A noun and a verb 2) Not enough data

14. What do you consider to be paradise? 0) Total happiness 1) Total knowledge 2) Two calculators

15. What type of music do you like? 0) Popular music 1) Classical music 2) Static noise

16. What is your favorite game? 0) Monopoly 1) Chess 2) Data entry races

17. My favorite Movie show is _____ 0) Ruthless People 1) Star Trek II 2) Short Circuit

18. If I had to know an equation on a test, I would _____ 0) Write it on my arm 1) Derive it during test 2) Memorize it with flash cards all day for weeks

19. The person I marry must have_____ 0) Beauty 1) Intelligence 2) An RS232 serial port

20. What I fear the most is _____ 0) Death 1) Emotions 2) Water

Results: Simply add up the values of all your answers and look at the following table.

00-14 Liberal Arts 15-20 Vulcan/Math Major 21-40 Robot!!!


Science Joke: 5
New Chemical Element Discovered The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.





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