Science Joke: 1
| What do a meteorologist in a snowstorm
and a woman's sex life have in common?
They're both concerned with how many
inches and how long it will last.
Science Joke: 2
Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien
Simply send 6 x 10^50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system
at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your
star system at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other
star systems. Within one-tenth of a galactic rotation you will
receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization until entropy
reaches its maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!
Science Joke: 3
Dihydrogen Monoxide: The Invisible Killer
Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide!
Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted
thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by
accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide
do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe
tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating
and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body
electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO
withdrawl means certain death.
1. is also know as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain
2. contributes to the "greenhouse effect"
3. may cause severe burns
4. contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape
5. accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals
6. may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of
7. has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients
CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS!
Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream,
lake and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the
contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused
millions of dollars in property damage in the Midwest, and recently
Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:
- as an industrial solvent and coolant
- in nuclear power plants
- in the production of styrofoam
- as a fire retardant
- in many forms of cruel animal research
- in the distribution of pesticides; even after washing, produce remains
contaminated by this chemical
- as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products
Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be
done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on
wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!
THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED!
The American government has refused to ban the production and
distribution chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of
this nation". In fact, the navy and other military organizations are
conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar
devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of
military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly
sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large
quantities for later use.
IT'S NOT TOO LATE!
Act NOW to prevent further contamination!
Science Joke: 4
Are You About to Employ a Robot?
This test was written by ME, Roger Carasso, for the UCB Psychology
Department. It is intended to be used by companies that are
recruiting on campus. With this test you can determine whether an
applicant you are interviewing is a Robot, a Vulcan/Math MAjor, or a
Liberal Arts major.
Tear off here, and administer test below to students
Answer Questions by circling the appropriate subjective choice.
1. If stranded on a deserted island, I would want _____
0) Shakespeare 1) Math books 2) Fluid oil
2. If I could have any job, I would be a _____
0) writer 1) professor 2) McDonald's employee
3. On weekends, I go to _____
0) The beach 1) The library 2) goto 10
4. My favorite hobby is _____
0) Poetry 1) Open math problems 2) memorizing
5. I have taken ______ English classes.
0) Many 1) Enough to communicate 2) fori=1to++x10goto10
6. What is the quickest way to solve 2X+4=2?
0) Ask a Vulcan 1) In my head 2) Brute force with
Cray 2 Supercomputer
7. What have you learned in school that you value the most?
0) Latin 1) How to operate my HP-28C 2) Complex Analysis
8. In between classes, I like to _____
0) Talk with my friends 1) Study proofs 2) Add numbers on
9. When I have a report due, I type it on_____
0) My manual typewriter
1) The school's word processor
2) My calculator and then upload it to a PC at 50 baud
10. Since coming to the University, I have gained many _____
0) Friends 1) Books 2) Calculator manuals
11. The best use of a computer is _____
0) A door stop 1) Graphing functions 2) Friends
12. When I go to a restaurant, I usually get _____
0) A hamburger 1) A twinkie 2) Thrown out
13. What part of speech is "interface"?
0) A noun 1) A noun and a verb 2) Not enough data
14. What do you consider to be paradise?
0) Total happiness 1) Total knowledge 2) Two calculators
15. What type of music do you like?
0) Popular music 1) Classical music 2) Static noise
16. What is your favorite game?
0) Monopoly 1) Chess 2) Data entry races
17. My favorite Movie show is _____
0) Ruthless People 1) Star Trek II 2) Short Circuit
18. If I had to know an equation on a test, I would _____
0) Write it on my arm
1) Derive it during test
2) Memorize it with flash cards all day for weeks
19. The person I marry must have_____
0) Beauty 1) Intelligence 2) An RS232 serial port
20. What I fear the most is _____
0) Death 1) Emotions 2) Water
Results: Simply add up the values of all your answers and look at
the following table.
00-14 Liberal Arts
15-20 Vulcan/Math Major
Science Joke: 5
New Chemical Element Discovered
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively
named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic
number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75
vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass
of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the
continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one
reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally
occurred in less than a second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which
time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which
assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.
Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each
Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally
in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as
government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be
found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of
concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is
allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium
can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not
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